my tough journey through anorexia
This is my story
How do I begin this?
I must admit that it is extremely difficult to put words into this, it´s so much, and I get a lot of unpleasant "flashbacks" but I really want to do my very best and try to tell my story because I know that I can maybe help someone out there that is going through the same thing or just something that iz hard to understand and do something about.
The very first period of this terrible disease
Everything began on a sunny spring day.
I was on my way home from school, this was in seventh grade, and it was soon time for the summer holidays and vacation.
I had never really bothered about my weight before, although I was a little bit overweight. It was okej.
If I remember correctly, I weighed around 152 pounds when I weighed the most and was 5 feet tall in other words, I was a bit overweight but it was like nothing to me, I didn´t really care or noticed cus I thought I was happy with myself and had plenty of confidence .
I was even a member of an "anti-anorectic" group, I leaned about the disease and wanted to help people who were affected. And I remember to this day that I once told my friend that I would NEVER get anorexia, it would never happen to me.
But tragically, I got punished, as we say: "One should never say never"
* What Goes Around Comes Around *
I was on my way back home from school one day, I said goodbye to some of my girlfriends (who was 3 times smaller than me) and so I remembder that I noticed all of these typical Bikini bilboards they had outside and for some reason they always have the smallest models to show of the new bikini collection, the models with the "perfect body" with a narrow waistbig breasts and you know the rest.
I shook my head and said to myself," g...this is Wrong so wrong and I got kinda angry, but somehow I was haunted by that picture for days and it made me think about it more and more
I thought: oh, ok, the body, I will not get, but isnt it more than true that the summer is approaching and it is time for bikini ... wow that was my (biggest nightmare)
So, I had to do something about it and I started with taking care of myself, I was careful with what I ate and had a special healthy diet to follow and I promised myself not to extreme dieting.
All I did was quiting with everything that was Junk food, candy and chips.
I ate:
Breakfast: yoghourt with oatmeal (as muslie), tea, juice and bread (toasted)
Lunch and dinner, maybe a little yogurt
Days passed by, and I saw NO results.
Weeks passed and NOTHING.
And I began to get angry, it took more and more of my psyche, I lost patience and wanted to see results quickly, so the only way out was to cut it with the food.
I ate:
Breakfast: Yogurt, but oatmeal, tea and switched from bread to crispy bread
Lunch: Maybe .. but then I ate vegetables most ...
Mellis: no .. No mellis
Dinner: ... well ok .. a little bit ... I ate sloooowly and took like 4 bites of everything
After a few weeks I began to see little difference. Loved ones gave compliments, I thanked them but it didn´t really matter that much. I subsequently put me in more pressure and was definitely not happy with what I saw. Everything went in slow motion to me, it was time to do something new. To get a better result.quicker.
* But let us stop right here *
Lets go back to before I started with the diet
How was my life at that time? what happened at school? how did I actually feel?
Well,I had always been happy with my life, it was a bit tough at home, but not with me and my brother, but between my parents, but it was not something I could´t handle.
I had always been very ambitious in school and it went pretty well but I had very difficult to get high grades even if I studied 50 hours, seriously,it was tough but nothing that really bothered me
But suddenly things changed, because of my weight issue things changed, my whole life changed into a better life, at leas I thought so.
Somehow I felt really bad, but on the other hand I felt so incredibly good, with myself, I had goals and I did everything better. Strange!
My days could look something like this:
* Woke up early, madebreakfast for me and my little brother
(I ate nothing but I somehow did it look like I had already eaten)
* went off to school, was the whole day there, ate lunch.
(I could pick the food, but it took so long to "eat up" that when all my friendswere done they always leaved the table out in a hurry.So that made me a big favour and I had no other choice but go with them and throw the food.And that ofcourse, was my while plan.)
* came home when everyone else was at work, took care of my little brother, cleaned the whole apartment and cooked,made dinner to all of us... I was extreeeemly interested in food back then that I even began to collect a lot of recipes, I finally had a whole binder with food recipes.
I did everything you can imagine, always busy and always taking are of the people around me.So when my parents got home,i always gave them my excuse that I had already eaten with my little brother (but of course it was just lies)
I did everything so they would focus on other things and not on me.I just wanted to see them happy and satisfied, even though they had a lot of problems and I managed to SOMEHOW. Everything actually got better.
After that I shut myself up in the room and studied the hell out f me until 3, 4 in the morning, every day, and I suddenly got veeeery high grades a school!
It became a routine for several weeks .. months ...
* And now back to where I was before in my story *
A month went by, 2 months, 3 months
Suddenly I losed weight like crazy and my clothes didn´t fit anymore,they were toooo BIG!
All my pants fell down as soon as I snapped them, my sweaters,to big and not least my underwear. It was "wonderful" somehow, I could finally look for much smaller size when I was out shopping.
It was a wonderful feeling to be able to look myself in the mirror,and not feel SUPER SIZE for once,I got so happy but it was not enough. I thought ... a littlebit more is not gonna do any harm .. a little bit more, a little bit more I'm still fat. I was always comparing.
*4 months went by
I ate:
1 apple a day, 2 cups of coffee and water
I continued to lose weight and now I saw big changes.
I started to freeze more and more, I got hairy(I know it sounds disgusting and it was), my breasts disappeared, got dark circles under my eyes and my bones began to appear more and more.
Nothing was good me anymore, my feet were so narrow that even my shoes were to big, so I had to walk around with 4 pairs of socks to make it feel better and fit. Nobody saw me at home without makeup, I was extremely careful with everything! I started to do some exercise at home and went from 1 apple a day to a half an apple instead and water.
People didnt give ´me any positive comments anymore and I hated THAT reaction,they were all talking behind my back, so I decided to freeze out everyone and everything.
I felt better being in my own world with myself.
It felt like everybody was chasing me suddenly! at school, outside school, at home, loved ones .. All!
At school some teachers were kind of worried but they didn´t do anything right.
Our school Nurse was did call up my name LOUD so the whole school heard, she really did point me out and wanted me to see my weight, and that I ate and if I didn´t she scared me by telling me that she would call a special person that could take care of me and force me to eat.
I understand now that they just meant WELL, but it was completely wrong!
That is NOT the way you help a person with such a problem.
I was always afraid and everything turned into hate The road to happiness was suddenly my biggest enemy and I started lying. At this point, I had loosed so much weight that I had no longer menstrual,not at all. I started to feel very weak and I did faint a couple of times in school.
* strong reactions at home *
I never really knew if my parents suspected anything because they never said anything or act different.
Until one day ...
Saturday morning ...
I did always care about being very careful with everything,and I did care about my skin etc,for example I did ALWAYS remove my makeup when it was time to go to sleep, but when I did taht you could see EVERYTHING and I didnt look healthy at all.And I always slept in panties and short tight t-shirt,it was not a nice look in the mirror but you know.. I didn´t see it that way.
I woke up that morning and I had a hurry 2 the toilet or else I would have pee on myself, I was so lost that morning that I didn´t think what I was doing or WHO was out there in the hall...just whem I went out of my room i felt something strange, I felt like someone was looking at me.
I went out, in my panties and small smll tshirt, no bra and no makeup .I looked very bonie and horrible.
I turned around and there he was....my Dad, My lovely daddy,stood right there and said nothing.We just stood there staring at eachother he starts crying.
I could not do anything but hide in the bathroom, I just wanted to DIE that very moment of anxiety or whatever it was. It was horrible!!
I stood there in my 85 pounds and was feeling horrible, I cried day in and day out and felt so bad...and wow I felt so much pressure.
My mom got very worried and didn´t know how to act so she was watching and controling me the whole time and forced me to eat, she panicked and suddenly thought that I would gain 20punds in 2 days! it was totally crazy,I couldnt handle it.
I obviously started to eat but I continued to lose weight, I could barely walk to the bathroom alone, cus they always thought I vomiting, which I never did.
So I gave up AGAIN!
But thanks to a friend of mine, I´m standing here alive, I really wanted to get well and didnt want to be sick anymore and most of all I didnt want to get worse and die but I needed support, not pressure.
What I needed was someone who believed in me, who trusted me, who listened to what I had to say.
I wanted to be healthy but needed to give it some time .. and this friend, trusted me!
I must thank you with all my heart my friend,you know who you are, thanks forlistening and for trusting me, thanks for everything you did, for letting me eat my small portions of Yoggi with apple, haha
Thanks to you I have learned a lot, and believe me, now my parents have learned, too.
Thank you a thousand thanks .... you might not know that you mean a lot to me but I really do,I truly love you for everything you´ve done.
SO PLEASE, people out there,you maybe have someone around that is suffering from anorexia or any kind of disease that needs attention, HELP them! Don´t judge them right away ... help with TRUST!! Being able to listen and trust someone helps a lot! Belive me, I know why Im saying this.
YOU can save a life! So please think twice before you act!
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